When life hits rock bottom, I pray, fast, attend church, and search for God—but sometimes, there’s no answer. When the pain is unbearable and I cry out, “God, help me!” I might get a small response, yet the hurt still stabs like a spoon through my spleen. I plead, “Where are You, God? I need You now more than ever!”
“Yet they seek Me day by day and delight to know My ways, as a nation that has done righteousness and has not forsaken the ordinance of their God. They ask Me for just decisions, they delight in the nearness of God. ‘Why have we fasted and You do not see? Why have we humbled ourselves and You do not notice?’ Behold, on the day of your fast you find your desire…” —Isaiah 58:2-3
I have had dry seasons where I went through the motions of seeking God and it seemed like He just would not come close to me, I have been praying for others that are going through similar situations. I think maybe God pulls away and even allows others who would normally comfort us, pull away. While the distance from the comfort seeked is a painful experience, perhaps the Lord is giving exactly what is needed and not wanted!
I get so caught up in me that I am just to full to have room for God.
I’ve endured dry seasons where I went through the motions of seeking God, yet He felt distant. I’m praying for others facing similar struggles. Sometimes, God pulls away, and even those who’d comfort us seem to fade. The absence of comfort is painful, but perhaps the Lord is giving us what we need, not what we want.
I get so caught up in myself that I’m too full for God. My DVR was packed with shows—Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch, America’s Got Talent, American Idol. I worked harder for money to upgrade my Mustang’s head gaskets, bought huge mud tires for off-roading, splurged on fishing gear, raced to events, hit the beach, went shooting. It was all about me. No wonder I couldn’t find God in prayer after three hours of TV. I remember cramming for exams in school, retreating to the quiet library to focus. Maybe the things I thought were God’s blessings are just distractions. By stripping them away—even the pain tearing me apart—God is making room for the work I desperately need.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” —Matthew 5:6
What do I truly hunger for? A new gadget? For someone to stop hurting me? For the pain to vanish? There’s nothing wrong with having needs met, but when needs and wants blur, I lose sight of what matters. Strip it all down—water, food, shelter, life… God. I hear of missionaries describing impoverished people who walk barefoot for miles to worship, filled with joy despite losing family to starvation. They have less than I do, yet their faith humbles me. If my car broke down on Sunday, would I walk to church? I’m not guilting anyone—just being real. Do we truly seek God? How far will we go to draw near Him?
I am going to admit something that hurts a lot to even think about. For several years, I had a single underling fear that
I kept hidden in my heart and I tried to keep it hidden from God. I was afraid God would kill one of my family members to get my attention, I was so afraid that I did not allow myself to get close enough to Him to give Him the chance but I stayed just close enough to be fed for basic spiritual survival. I had all my needs cared for, I really didn’t need too much of Him anyway… boy was I stupid. After my distance from the Lord went for several years the longing to be with Him deep in my soul started to grab me, the hunger was growing, I had the thirst again… the fear gripped me again. I dropped to my knees and told God that I do not care what it takes, I need you Lord, I need you more than ever! I truly believe if I had the willpower and dedication to follow Him, I never would have went through the pain I experienced but I was just too full of everything to make room for Him. I lost the dearest thing I had on the planet and when the pain of it caught up to me, nothing else really mattered, I really didn’t need much at all other than God to come and allow me to heal in His glow, to grow in His presence. To follow in His steps.
The Lord is healing my pain, He is here and I have Him and know it and the urgent feeling of despair is now just a dull pain I can deal with. I am now at the end of the short story I wrote: The Darkness of Light. Now, what do I do? I dropped cable TV, I parked the truck in the garage, I dropped the internet to a 1 meg connection, I drop to my knees and pray for the first and last thing I do each day, I ask that the Lord will allow me to see people as He does, I ask that the Lord will use me. I pray each day for others hurting, I go to church on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I put all the Hot-Rod magazines away and dusted off the Christian books I had … I read my bible. That thing that hurts me so much is not restored but hope is on the horizon, I am more responsible with what the Lord has given me; I have more money now yet make less, I spend more quality time with my kids, I spend time with other people and genuinely care about them, I am losing weight fast, my body is being restored, I look forward to each day instead of regretting it. I have hope, I have what I need and more. This walk is not an easy one and I really have to try so I am constantly praying for strength and wisdom and guess what? I still screw it up at times! I run to the Lord and ask Him to forgive me and not leave me and He holds me up.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me but I do know one thing. God is here and is with me and I have what I really need. I am going to work hard to keep it. I love you Jesus, I love you first Lord and want you to lead my life. I trust you my King and my life is yours to do with as you see fit. I see you God and need you more than ever.